The Tipping Point for Entropy

Quick! Read this before your computer crashes or you slump over dead at your desk!

The most powerful force in the universe is entropy. It factors into every part of your life, affecting relationships, jobs, personal possessions, and your mind and body.

Accept it.

As a younger man I once complained aloud about what seemed like a conundrum. "If something bad is happening, and you ignore it, it gets worse, right? So... if something good is happening and you ignore it, why doesn't it get better instead of going away?"

At the time I thought it should have been a simple equation like this:

situation a * 1 = outcome a- , therefore situation b * 1 = b+

Why is this an improper syllogism? Entropy. (Probably a lot of other reasons, too.)

Situation "a" and situation "b" both deal with neglect. By neglecting something, whether bad or good, it gets worse because entropy is the natural force to which all things ultimately succumb. Good things have to be nurtured, and nurture is the opposite of neglect. Nurturing is also a temporary defense against entropy. But enough; I shall not write "nurture" again for fear of growing breasts.

So where, you might ask yourself if you have not fallen asleep, am I going with all of this? I'm glad you asked that question because I am now ready to make someone fabulously wealthy!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce the WISE (World Institute for the Study of Entropy) award.

I am offering One Billion Dollars US (Six Trillion Canadian, or about Twenty euros) to anyone who can devise a universally applicable formula for determining the tipping point for entropy (TPE). I define the TPE as the point at which you are no longer fighting entropy to a draw, and are now engaged in trying to maintain your dignity as you go down to defeat in the battle to keep things in order.

Although I am not a mathematician by trade (or by any stretch of the imagination for that matter), I am willing to help get someone started by identifying some of the factors that will be necessary to make the award-winning equation.

First, you must determine what's in the arsenal. Certainly the number of waking hours available to an individual in an average day would be important (don't forget to subtract hours at work and commuting, unless trying to calculate job entropy). The physical age of the individual counts, too. Their marital/partnership status must also be figured in, as well as the extent to which the spouse or partner has time to help the individual battle shared entropy. It might also be important to factor in whether the spouse/partner is actually a primary cause of entropy in a given case. Of course, disposable income helps, too: you can hire a maid or personal assistant to help you fight to a glorious draw each day. Finally, consider the wear-and-tear factor: how long has the individual been gamely fighting this unwinnable war? Are they depressed? Can they talk? Can they at least point at the face on the chart that most closely corresponds to their level of pain?

On the other side of the equation, one must consider the number of plates which the individual is attempting to spin. These plates would include things like a job, a house, a yard, one or more vehicles (multiply by 10 any vehicle which was designed in Detroit), number of pets, whether these are high-maintenance (dogs and monkeys) or low maintenance pets (cats, fish, turtles, snakes, hamsters, etc.). You will also need to know whether these are indoor or outdoor pets, and how many of them are incontinent. Consider, too, the number of children and their ages and gender. Remember to include other material possessions with moving parts, such as lawnmowers, garage doors, bicycles, blenders, VCRs, DVD and CD players, garbage disposals, and several thousand toys (don't forget the batteries!).

I am sure I have left something out, but hey - I'm just writing the check here. I'll even unilaterally give up the right to determine which symbol represents which factor in the equation. So if you want to let x = spouse/partner, you go right ahead. (Which reminds me... you probably need to figure in ex-spouses, too, so let's let x = ex-spouses/partners. Sorry.)

Knowing the TPE and all of the factors in the equation would allow an individual to make "what if" calculations to see what would happen if, for example, they changed jobs from grease monkey at Sears Auto Shop to partner in a D.C. patent law firm, or sent the incontinent pet to live on a farm where it could run free.

One other thing. Even though I am magnanimously paying for the "discovery" of this important equation that will revolutionize everything except the definition of the word "revolutionize," I plan to share it freely with the world.

Think of the possibilities! What a gift to humankind! Does anyone else smell Nobel Peace Prize?

So get crackin'! There's only one prize, so obviously, first come first served. And by way of disclaimer, my lawyer advises me to point out that if my checking account falls victim to entropy while I'm waiting for you to get off your duff and come up with the equation, I don't have to pay. Technically.