RE: Opportunity for Partnership

On 2/6/06, Mr. Bruce K. MISAMORE wrote:
Hello,

Hello to you, too, sir!

Compliment of the season!

Thank you! What season would that be? In the US it is February. What month is it in London? Perhaps you are referring to our "Valentine's Day" season? "President's Day" season? Ah, but of course...you are referring to sweeps month for our broadcast networks. Hallmark is missing out on a greeting card opportunity!

I was reading through your profile on the internet and found it interesting. Be so kind to contact me at your earliest convenient for a possible business deal.

Wow! Where is my profile on the internet? I hope it shows my good side. Please send me the url so that I may Photoshop my profile to make it as pleasing as possible to swell "possible business deal offerers" such as yourself. Wouldn't it be just my luck if the day they made internet profiles I had a big pimple on my forehead!

I am still in London and do not intend to return to Russia soon for security reasons. Hence I am not ready to sacrifice my life for Russia's Political purposes.

Well, gosh! I am in complete solidarity with you on this, my brother! I, too, am not ready to sacrifice my life for Russia's Political purposes, especially when "Political" is capitalized. I thought they didn't like capitalism in Russia. Now I am a little Confused with a capital "c." It is lucky for you that you are in London if you have security concerns about Russia, though. There is a man there who can help you. His name is James Bond, and he has been to Russia before, and knows how to be secure. He is probably in the phone book. If not, I'm pretty sure his number is 007.

If you are not familiar with my profile, please take a moment of your very busy schedules to read about me on the internet and send your response to bruce_misamore@bk.ru or better still end at fax at: +44 (0) 7005 804 486.

My "very busy schedules"? How busy I must be, indeed, if I have more than one schedule!

Also, I have noted that your email is @bk.ru. Is that a Burger King? Is that a good place to hide when people in your home country want to discuss tax evasion with you? Did you ever hear the joke about how Burger King got Dairy Queen pregnant? (Hint: it has something to do with not wrapping a whopper.) I'm not sure how your skill set, coming from the oil and gas industry, qualifies you for a job at Burger King. Did you lie on your resume? Come to think of it, I guess if you have a pulse you are qualified to work at Burger King. Or perhaps you also have experience drilling for vegetable oil?

But seriously...My, my! You are one famous dude! I was not familiar with your business oeuvre until I "googled" you (without even kissing you first!) Ha-ha! I made a joke. "Google" is a search engine, which is a type of engine that can run without oil and gas, so you might not be interested. Seems the Russian government would like to talk to you about taxes, and that's "Putin" it mildly. Ha-ha! I made another joke. All of this joking is making my side hurt. But it's probably nothing to be concerned about. If you saw my profile on the internet, you probably already know that I try to be funny sometimes. Ditto if my profile was just a picture.

So...you are with YUKOS? Didn't you guys used to make cars? If so, you might not want to come to the US for security purposes, either. There are some people here who bought your cars who would also like to talk to you, if they are not already dead from embarrassment. Which reminds me: I once saw a YUKO stranded on the road because it had gotten stuck on a discarded piece of chewing gum. How sad is that? Do they have lots of YUKOS cars in Singapore? I know that they have a law against chewing gum in that country, so it kind of makes sense. Okay, I have one more YUKOS joke: Why did they engineer the rear defrost so well on all of the YUKOS? So owners could keep their hands warm when they pushed it in the wintertime! Ouch! My side, again...

I'm still not sure what kind of "partnership opportunity" you have to offer which would be appropriate based on my profile (which you saw on the internet.) Is this a business opportunity? Or are you looking for a personal "partnership"?

If it is the latter, I should tell you up front that I am currently involved with someone, which could be a stumbling block. And I'm not gay, which could be an even greater stumbling block. But, you know...never say never, right? Do you still have the money that you "allegedly" took? You can tell me - how can we have a personal partnership if you won't trust me with this kind of information? Is it many millions of dollars? Is Russia a community property state? How about London? If you still have lots of money and are interested in starting a new life with me in, say, California, then we may be able to work something out. But I will not sign a pre-nup. Relationships should be about true love and trust! Which reminds me - I hope you did not also send this email to Anna Nicole Smith. She cannot be trusted. Also, she has herpes.

If you have a business partnership in mind, then forget what I said about a personal partnership. I was kidding! I would never be gay, not even for my half of your money. (NOTE: If this IS about a personal partnership, but you continued reading and saw the sentence above, please ignore it. I only put that in there to keep from being emotionally hurt if you are NOT interested in a personal partnership.)

Where was I? Oh yes. A business opportunity. Would this involve me putting up some of my own money? Currently I only have what's in the change tray, but I get paid on the 15th. I don't know much about oil and gas other than what I put in my car. Still, I could probably be useful in some way. Since I'm a writer, I could probably proof-read your emails to avoid sending out typo-ridden disasters like the one to which I am currently responding. Also, could I pick my own title? I kind of like "Lord of the Dance," but since that's already taken, maybe I could be the "Chief Financial Officer of the Dance." Or "Chairman, Industrial Choreography." As long as I'm not expected to do any actual dancing at corporate functions. Trust me, you'd rather see your parents making out.

Thank you for your time and attention.

No prob, bro! Mi time su time! But you grossly overestimate my attention span.

Warmest regards,

I never thought about it previously, but when it's winter, it's nice to say "warmest regards." Because, you know, it's cold outside, and you are wishing the person "warmth." But what about when it's July? Man, it would just be plain unthoughtful to wish someone "warmth" in July! If you were sending an email to someone in Libya or Dubai or Hell, that would be rude.

But I can see how, if I was Satan, then it would be clever to say "Warmest regards," because that would make people laugh, and they would say "Oh, that wacky Lucifer. What will the Great Deceiver say next?" Then, of course, when some of these same people got to hell, they could tell Satan in person that they thought it was funny when he wrote "warmest regards" at the end of his emails. And maybe he would say "I'm glad you liked it" before chucking them into the fiery furnace, where they would burn for all of eternity.

Which reminds me... I hope that if I go to hell, that they allow me to burn in the "no hair" section. Because, as bad as I'm sure burning flesh smells, have you ever smelled burning hair? It's the worst. But I may not be eligible, since I have hair. Unless someone shaves it all off quickly right after I die. I should put that in my will. Or, I could just always carry a razor with me, so if I started feeling really sick, I could start shaving off all of my hair just in case.

Man! I just thought of something. I'd really be screwed if I was killed in a plane crash, because you can't take razors in carry-on luggage. The best I could hope for would be to have all of my hair burned off in the ensuing fire as it engulfed the wreckage. Oops - better hope I don't crash at sea, because there goes that idea!!! Anyway, I'd rather go to heaven. They have a better benefit package, and hair is not an issue there. Unless it gets tangled in your harp.

I seem to have gotten off topic.

In summer months, I think the new standard should be "Coolest Regards." In fact, because "cool" can also mean "neat," I think we should use it all of the time, even in winter. In summer, it could have a dual meaning. But in winter, it would just mean "neatest regards, Daddio!" What do you think? Let's start a new fad that will one day work its way into popular vocabulary!

Mr. Bruce K. MISAMORE,
Chief Financial Officer,
YUKOS Oil & Gas Co., Russia.
London Contact:
Tel #: +44 (0) 7040 106 187
Fax #: +44 (0) 7005 804 486.

Coolest Regards,
Bill "The Man Who Came Up With Coolest Regards" Davis
address and phone withheld by request